Endorphins speaking, hurray for today! One of those days I have been needing for, hmm, the past month or so? Today was the first Santa Monica beach day with the fam, not too many people, but it was wonderful. Everyone made fun of my sweet tan line (note- I work in the sun all day in hiking boots and shorts and a t-shirt, you map out the white areas when I switch to a bikini), so I evened that out and swam and had a nice dinner with my sister and grandma. Then my sister and I went for a run (I know, what?) along Ventura beach as the sun was setting. Oh my goodness it was so nice, and I am no runner.
So after an extended period of discontent, mounting into an utter breakdown, and settling into new realizations, today is the day when things make more sense by becoming simpler. Circumstances may not change but I can somehow deal with it all again. The wonderful thing about a breakdown, no matter how painful, is that it wakes you up and forces you to focus on just what’s up (note: crying and driving don’t mix well. Could I get ticketed for reckless driving? It’s like driving without the wipers on, at least in hindsight its funny). I also love that frustrating, yet equally reassuring place where you realize you’ve known all along what is right, we so often don’t give enough credit for how great our instincts are.
So why the big breakdown? I’m calling it pre-departure depression, and oh my how awful. Yes apparently there is a reason why people who want to remain sane don’t work 14 hour days, but it was more than that. The problem with working so much in a job that only requires your body, not your brain (I’m speaking mainly about the camp), is you are allowed a lot of time to think and analyze, but no time to write and record. I don’t know about you, but I go nuts if I don’t journal enough. I know I wasn’t working just to save money; I was working so I could avoid thinking about all that was changing and how I felt about it. I somehow figured I could put off dealing with and feeling everything until, oh, mid August or so. Not! I have realized I have reached a very odd place- I am exactly where I want to be; the very point I have worked so hard to get to. I graduated college, and have my dream job beginning in less than two months, my family is overwhelmingly proud and supportive, and all I’ve felt like is shit. I can’t remember ever being at a point where I was exactly where I planned to be, maybe the beginning of college? But even then there was a great deal of uncertainty.
There remains a good amount of my “only comfortable in chaos” complex from childhood, where I learned to always have a plan and be prepared for any possible crisis. I could read people better than a book and was completely focused on survival and keeping people, particularly my mother, at peace (though we never really reached it). The lessons of childhood certainly sparked my interest in the Peace Corps, but the naïve idea of just helping others has come far and grown into a much more mature goal for the betterment of this world. One of the oldest proverbs, “give a man a fish and he will eat today, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.” I know, I know, painfully obvious. But my point is, like many others, I am most comfortable when there is a conflict to deal with. For when there is peace and silence, what can you do, but look at yourself? This presents the realization that I have not only neglected to have a good relationship with myself, but with anyone else as well. The ability to develop healthy relationships, meaning, equal parts of you and me, is new to me. In all my past years I believed I didn't need anyone very close, because in my view, those close caused pain and suffering. I now know of course that those close invite all kinds of suffering, but even more happiness, and just like any other dumb animal, I am in deep need of my own species. The reality of this lag time before Morocco is I have felt a great loneliness I find hard to explain and am focusing on accepting time off, and with myself, as well as better relationships in general. Turn off the shyness, eh?!
How so? Well yesterday I got brave and quit the camp, long story, but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders, and I will be working a normal, 40 hours a week at the OVLC (I have many stories I want to share about that job, but they will have to come in another post)
And lastly I want to send out an apology for being a grumpy, depressed, workaholic, bitch, mess, etc. I haven’t gotten much done or been very nice or allowing lately. But onto better days! I’m off to plaster my very red body in aloe vera and get some sleep. Lyla tov.