I first wrote about my miscarriage the same day
it happened. I was in a whirlwind of hormones, and at the time I felt the
need to quickly announce the miscarriage because I couldn’t bear to hear
anymore congrats on the pregnancy (we'd announced a week before). I took
as good a care of myself as possible and tried to remain positive. There
was a sense of relief after it happened, not that we weren’t pregnant
anymore-that was devastating, but that the bad feelings, signs and sadness that
had been there for days meant something, I finally had an answer. I truly
felt in those first moments a strange confidence in my body; I had worked
through contractions, alone, and got what was no longer living out of my body.
It was intense and beautiful in its own strange way. The absence of
that pain left me feeling better physically and I thought that must be as
intense as it would get. I assured everyone the worst was over and I
trusted the process and had faith in the future, the stats were totally in our
favor.
Well if only we could be so in control as we
think. Hormones are a wild thing, and loss is huge. I waited
patiently as I could for my body to cleanse, level out and for my beloved cycle
to return. Josh was unwavering in his love and support, and lack of
belief in anything less than wonderful happening, he inspires me everyday.
Every Monday I was sad, my mom supported me in saying I should take time
out to just be pissed and sad and frustrated with it-feel it all- and then
leave it and move on until I need to take that time again. Josh would
hold me. Not long after I miscarried three other wonderful couples
announced their pregnancies, one a close friend due nearly the same time I was
and I found myself in a most uncomfortable position of being truly happy for
them, and deeply and painfully jealous. It became hard for me to face
them without imagining what I was missing, and was filled with a sadness so
deep. It was morbidly funny to realize within my little realm we were
proving the stats true-1 in 4 pregnancies will result in miscarriage.
After one amazing cycle and a whirlwind of house
purchasing, I faced a bottom I had not expected. My second cycle didn’t
arrive, and I felt like I was going crazy-a hormonal imbalance mixed with a
pessimistic view. I wavered between great agitation and wishing to that
depth of sadness. I continued to weep over the loss more and more and
felt completely out of whack. I had everything I wanted, amazing partner,
new home, great job, and felt terrible for feeling there was this huge hole
within that had only been full for a few weeks.
The healing agent of time seemed to be my only
cure, in addition to forceful positive thinking and luckily a partner who was
not losing faith in my body. Soon after I calmed down and regained
balance, we decided to begin trying again wouldn’t you know it, my cycle
returned immediately. As if to say, “I was waiting for you” rather than
the other way around. Needless to say I was pregnant within two weeks.
In the natural birth community a birth after a
loss is called a "rainbow baby" as it is so healing and a miracle.
While I think all babies are miracles, it’s interesting to have another term
for the next baby. Today is the original due date for that first
pregnancy, and I am happy to have made peace with that. While time is the
true healer of most losses, of course being four months into a new, healthy
pregnancy seals the deal. I can look to other pregnant women with love
rather than longing (our friends who were due near me had a healthy boy last
week), but not a day goes by that I
forget to be grateful I only miscarried once, and that as far as we know our
ability to have healthy children is still strong.
I realize I have not written about our wedding yet, but what can I say?! It was absolutely perfect. It POURED the day before, and rained much of the day off, but luckily it stopped an hour or so before the wedding and it stayed beautiful. Our dear friend Randy was the most excellent officiant ever, and the ceremony was wonderful. We planted a tree rather than exchanging rings and surprised our guests with the news of our new pregnancy. The pig was smoked to perfection and the food was perfect. Best of all was having (nearly) all the people we love together, at our home, for an entire evening. I still can’t believe it came together so perfectly, especially as I was battling early pregnancy 24/7 nausea (which magically held off the day of the wedding :) I truly can’t thank everyone enough, it would take forever.
